DeKoding Coach K

Regardless of your feelings for Coach K — deplorable, despicable, rat-like etc. — you have to admit, the man is a PR genius. Whether it’s his tireless self-promotion as a “leader of men” or the way he positions himself as the only person able to steer that uncontrollable lot of talent and egos that is the U.S. Olympic Men’s Basketball team, K knows utilizes that psychology degree to its upmost.

It occurred to us that Kre-spin-ski might not have an “off” switch when it comes to public speaking. Below you’ll see his real quotes from Monday’s ACC Teleconference, with a deKoded (see what we did there?) version that follows.

For those of you who are adept at lip-reading, you already know what really comes out of his mouth when he’s not in press conference mode so….EARMUFFS!!

“Overall, our team has done a good job, being 19-4.”

For fuck’s sake, even I can’t believe we’ve won that many games?! We don’t even play defense anymore!

“In our league, we’re two possessions from being undefeated and we’re two possessions from being 4-4, on the other side.”

This means nothing, it just sounds smart and insightful. It’s simply logic. They’ll eat this shit up. 

“When you win a number of games, sometimes your attention to detail is not where it needs to be.”

903 and “Kounting,” bitches!

“I’m in full agreement with what the league is doing.”

I am not.

“I think it was a mistake that we made when we added three teams in that we didn’t brand the whole conference.”

I am smart as shit at at this business shit. Have you SEEN my commercials?!

“We made up rivalries during that time by having two different partners. I think it showed that two teams were more important than the rest of the other conference. I think that hurt us.”

Here’s where I reveal I actually do NOT agree, Mr. Swofford!

Editor’s note: Apparently K thinks that the Duke/UNC rivalry is “made up.”

“I think this way, we keep one traditional rivalry.”

Ha, you thought I said they were made up, but they’re actually TRADITIONAL.

Editor’s note: We got Coach K’d

“But there has to be rivalry established with Syracuse and Pitt. I don’t think that was done as well. I think the way they’re going to do it is better for the entire conference. I applaud them for making that decision.”

I AGREE with what the conference decided (makes shifty eyes).

“Every team that plays against us has a rivalry.”

We are the Carolina of the ACC.

“I respect the heck out of Maryland and Gary (Williams) and what he did there and what Mark (Turgeon) is trying to do in building his own program. But we can’t look at that game as the end-all”

Gary Williams is gone, plus, this is not at TRADITIONAL rivalry. I am a traditional man. And fuck Maryland they beat us too much. 

“The main thing is just to be prepared for playing the most talented team in our conference and maybe the most talented team in the country.”

Gotta cover my ass in case we get shalacked! Those Tar Heels can rebound! Man, I’d give two Plumlees and a Hairston for that Henson guy.

“They can be an offensive juggernaut, especially at home.”

Obviously if we lose tonight, it’s because we’re on the road. We never lose at hom……ah shit, nevermind.

“We have to play really good defense in order to have an opportunity to beat them.”

There is no way this game will end well for us.