How would you describe the 2013 ’14 Tar…


How would you describe the 2013-’14 Tar Heels?

The overwhelming consensus seems to be that they play to their competition, but that’s LAZY ANALYSIS. I think there’s something more sinister at play. Heels fans, the awful truth is, we’re getting D.E.N.N.I.S.’d.

If you’re not familiar with the D.E.N.N.I.S. system, it’s a “foolproof system for getting any chick’s undying love and devotion — for life,” devised by the Dennis character from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Let me explain:

DEMONSTRATE VALUE: Early in the season we didn’t know what to expect from this team. It was picked in the top 15 of the AP Preseason Poll, but we didn’t know how much Marcus Paige and the sophomores had improved and weren’t sure what to expect from the freshman. We were also dealing with the P.J. and Leslie drama. But much to our surprise, the Heels demonstrated value and toyed with the Louisville press despite falling to Belmont. “They ARE going to provide us with some excellent basketball this season! We’re saved!” That’s what you were probably thinking.

ENGAGE PHYSICALLY: Now we’re all hot and heavy for this year’s squad. Next they knocked off Michigan State. Even with another questionable loss to UAB mixed in there, we had our blinders on. I mean, come on, it was a TRUE ROAD GAME in Birmingham. Nothing too egregious. We were DEPENDING on them. Which is why they immediately……

NURTURED OUR DEPENDENCE: Yes, we were willing to overlook this team’s shortcomings because we needed them. And they nurtured this dependence by knocking off yet another ranked team in Kentucky — a team that gets credit for being the greatest collection of talent in college basketball. Hook. Line. Sinker. But that’s when they began to……

NEGLECT EMOTIONALLY: It didn’t take long. The very next game they dropped to Texas in Chapel Hill. After that it was OT against Davidson. Who are these guys? Is this the team we fell in love with? They don’t look passionate anymore. Wake Forest was even more of a stab in the back. The last two elements of the system, however, played out last night versus Miami.

INSPIRE HOPE: In the second half, Miami went on an 11-0 run and was getting easy bucket after easy bucket against UNC’s porous (to put it lightly) defense. “It’s done. We’re not going to break 50 points. THE DREAM IS OVER!” That’s what you were probably thinking. But no. Suddenly with some timely shooting and even a little defensive sighting, UNC put together its own 8-0 run to close the gap to 4 with more than six minutes remaining. “Finally they’re going to show up.” But that’s when they….

SEPARATE ENTIRELY from the idea of playing good basketball. On their next offensive possession, Leslie McDonald missed a three, Jackson Simmons got it back and to McDonald for a missed layup, which James Michael McAdoo then got back for another missed layup. Beginning just before the under 4-minute TV timeout and ending when Nate Britt hit a free throw with 1:26 remaining, here’s how the Heels “closed”: foul on McAdoo, Tokoto turnover, McDonald turnover, Britt missed jumper, foul on Brice Johnson, McAdoo missed jumper, Paige missed jumper, McAdoo missed FT, McDonald foul, McDonald missed three, Paige missed three.

Now you can understand why the woman leaving a voicemail for Dennis in the video above was so angry. You’re going to love this team for life.

And you just got D.E.N.N.I.S.’d.