Why We Hate Duke: They Ain’t Cute

The following is a guest post from our good friend Casey Cline, bringing female sensibilities to the Rafters in light of the showdown with Duke

Tomorrow is an important day in the lives of NCAA and ACC basketball fans. It’s also a big day for anyone who was born on March 5, but that’s beside the point. The reason for the former is because tonight is the second heated match-up this year in what’s arguably the most famous rivalry in college basketball: UNC vs. Duke. Tomorrow night Duke takes on UNC with the home-court advantage belonging to the Tar Heels. This means there will be plenty of Cameron Crazies with nothing to do on a Saturday night and a whole lot of Coach K crinkling his nose in shock at “terrible” calls, stomping around like a baby whose passy just got taken away. It also means that my Facebook newsfeed will be blowing up with status updates such as this one:

Put this as your status if you know someone who suffers from being a CAROLINA fan. Being a CAROLINA fan is a real disorder and should be taken seriously. There is no known cure for CFD and sympathy does not help…but we can raise awareness. 100% of DUKE fans will re-post this, simply because we KNOW HOW to copy and paste. GO BLUE DEVILS!!!!!!!!!!

Really Duke fans? There are two things here that stand out to me. 1) This is the wittiest you can do, and 2) the whole copy and paste part. Guess what, Dookies: I just copied and pasted that into my article. Does that mean I’m on your level now? Please explain it to me. Are you suggesting that you are better than UNC fans/graduates simply because you know how to copy and paste? I’m not trying to make some point here, I’m genuinely trying to understand the motive behind the all caps’ed “KNOW HOW.”

Anyway, my confusion is still lingering but let me get to my point. Here are the three reasons why I would never date a dookie.

1. Dookies lack wit and sarcasm. Please see the Facebook status that’s plaguing my newsfeed for a concrete example. Even my esteemed N.C. State-affiliated friends are posting better statuses than this:
What’s the best part about a UNC/Duke Game? Someone loses.
I nearly ‘liked’ that status. Because it’s funny. And Dookies are not.

Also, in regards to funny:

2. Dookies really think they’re better than everyone else. Any time I’ve ever met someone who went to, goes to, or graduated from Duke, I always take a tiny jab at them. Something simple along the lines of, “Eww gross,” or “Oh no.” But it’s always in jest. Why? Because I know that person is probably intelligent, has something to offer, and I assume, would never actually honestly judge someone because of the school with which they associate. I know I don’t do that (unless of course that person went to Duke and is asking me on a date, in which case, no, I’m sorry, I can’t. I have food poisoning. Or I’m on my period. Or my dog is on his period. I mean her period.) The petty scoff my comment typically receives is enough evidence for No. 2 on this list.

3. I like Southern boys. You might be thinking, “But I thought Duke was in North Carolina.” Well, you’re right. But you know what’s not in Duke? A lot of Southerners. The majority of students at Duke are from elsewhere. And yes, Southern boys are sometimes prone to chewin’ and huntin’. But for some reason – maybe it’s some primal cavewoman instinct within me – but for some reason I’d really prefer my man to hunt than to play polo or “go to the races” to bet on or, worse, ride Seabiscuit wearing a pastel, popped up collar and seersucker shorts. (Yes, I know those exist at Carolina. In numbers. But at least the boys who wear those on UNC’s campus address me in a group as “y’all” and not “you guys”).

So there you have it, my beloved readers. My very biased, stereotype-based reason why I would never date a Dookie. While reading this, my roommate Amy asked a very good question: “What if you meet a really nice, humble guy, and then find out that he went to Duke? Would you not date him just because he went to Duke?” Well of course not, Amy. I’m not that narrow-minded. But a nice and humble Duke alum? That’s almost as likely as J.J. Redick one day becoming a world-renowned poet.